228. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? These affirmations are funny, humorous, witty and sarcastic for work, friends, family, mom, to boost your self-esteem, confidence and strength. Exercise? What do you call a bear with no teeth? Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Bill Gates. 67. 23. 203. I feel great. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. I dont worry about getting older. 133. Funny Friday Quotes. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. 35. 149. May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive. Effective pushing often involves poop. 91. 4. I am awesome. I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. I just go normal from time to time. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". You can write them down and use them whenever you're attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 109. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. 196. I am lazy till I get a motive. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. It has nothing new to tell you. 173. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. Ive been doing nothing for years. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. 121. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. 8. 81. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. 2. 150. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. I love my job only when Im on vacation. My son is now an entrepreneur. 99. 88. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] Socrates. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. I am grateful for that time. With a cowculator. Lily Tomlin, 242. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 98. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. 1. But then again so does . Dear Monday, my mama doesn't like you and she likes everyone. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. Never judge a book by its movie. Ted Turner. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. 116. Chop your own wood. Charles M. Schulz. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Any text will do. I will go out. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . 13. 158. 115. 167. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. Not everyone has good taste., 3. I enjoy every minute of it. Build a bridge. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. A backbone. 123. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. 269. I love my body. 125. 224. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. 61. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. Cindy from Marzahn. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. A mind is like a parachute. Life always offers you a second chance. 230. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 8. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. 142. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. In between, I am alive. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. 172. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. 179. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 164. Helen Giangregorio I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 59. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. avoid carbs. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! Steve Martin 98. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 199. 120. Oh sheet! Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. When nothing is going right, go left. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. P.D. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Find a quiet place without distractions. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 137. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. Let us know which of these motivational affirmations inspired you the most. 249. Today is a great day. Everyone brings happiness to this office. Albert Einstein, 190. Laughter also has a social aspect, as its the perfect way to bond with people. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. 231. 62. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. 89. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 236. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". Those who snore always fall asleep first. 1. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. I will smile while I still have my teeth. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. 8. 49. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. 6. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 171. 55. Erma Bombeck "I am becoming humorous day by day.". 50. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. 23. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. Have a look! If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. Raimonda.B. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. 155. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. I overcome fears by following my dreams. Not sure who to credit this meme to, but kudos. I didnt want to interrupt her. 167. Explore the latest videos from hashtags: #affirmations, #affirmation, #funnyaffirmation, #dailyaffirmations, #affirmationsoftheday, # . I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. 90. 237. Nothing, they just waved. I am adventurous. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. 137. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Im like a postage stamp. 148. Love your enemies. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. You can only be young once. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. We all need a little energy boost here and there. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. Robert A. Heinlein 197. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Helen Giangregorio. I receive what I believe. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. 232. 192. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Love your enemies. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre overwhelmed, stressed, or just dealing with negative self-talk. 250. My liver still works. Snowballs. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 182. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. 24. 1. 54. All you need is love. Wonderwoman: single. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. 277. Sam Levenson Rodney Dangerfield. 19. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. Robert Bloch. 11. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? Expect nothing and appreciate everything. You try again, but no sound is coming out. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. Wilson Mizner, 262. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! 155. 249. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. My jokes do. Focus on the positives and be grateful. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. 227. And a funny bone. 121. 15. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. I feed my spirit. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. Its a door, thats how they work. Chris Rock 146. Albert Einstein Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. They are a powerful tool you can use to change your attitude, your perspective on life and shift from a negative to a positive mindset. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. Funny affirmation quotes funny quotes about affirmation. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. Bill Murray, 260. Enjoy! Be careful when you follow the masses. Paul Ehrlich Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. No, but April may. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Walter Bagehot First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. 46. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. Benjamin Franklin. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . I have committed to being my most outstanding self. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. 25. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. 53. I release all shame about my body. - Billie Burke. 199. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. 75. If only common sense were more common. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Microchips. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9.